Kori, a single Mom of 3 proudly admits that she believes her kids are more independent, capable and have more general life skills than they would if they hadn’t come from a single parent family. In what she sees as a fairly bold statement, Kori feels that her kids have had to learn to do more ‘daily living’ things than they would have in family unit situation. Kori knows this is a good thing because she has first hand experience in seeing the connection between single parenting and independence in children.
Kori points out that we would all eventually learn to do laundry, cook, clean up, do grocery shopping and ride the bus, but it just happens more efficiently as a necessity in single parenting situations. The difference, she points out is that in a two parent unit, kids don’t have to do as much for themselves as when time is divided up between mom and dad. Household things that may be done for them, kids instead need to learn on their own. This includes learning to think for themselves, such as alerting her when their shoes are worn and need to be replaced.
When it comes to single parenting and independence in children, Kori understands the fundamentals of fostering resilience in her children. They automatically needed to pick up on how to keep the household machine well oiled. Now when her eldest goes to college at the end of the year she will feel confident that her independence will carry her daughter through, enabling her to make the most of her academic experiences and distance from home. It is essential not to underestimate life skills such as being able to make doctors appointments and learn the lay of the land in a new environment.
Independence, a weapon against setbacks
Michael Grose writes that independent children cope more easily with the challenges life throws at them. Learning resilience is essential to surviving setbacks, a weapon that single parents can arm their children with to assist in coping with tough times.
Grose questions whether in single parenting and independence in children, resilience can be taught. ‘Some kids are resilient by nature – their temperament helps them to be mentally and psychologically tough. You know those kids. They get straight back up after a setback or disappointment. Rejection in the playground doesn’t faze them. They are flexible enough to cope with changes such as moving from one school to another. They keep working hard in school even if they don’t succeed at first. They have resilient spirits.’
Not all children display this type of independence however, but studies show that it can be nurtured and developed, especially in cases where parents can mirror their own resilience back to their children. This is particularly relevant in where, with regards to the issues underlying single parenting and independence in children, a measure of resilience on the part of the adult is required to carry the situation at hand. Research indicates that independent children share four basic skill sets:
- Independence
- Problem-solving
- Optimism and
- Social connection
Fostering early optimism
Single parents require kids to contribute more fully to the family and as a result, this is more naturally fostered than in units. Self-help skills promote a real sense of independence as well as resourcefulness in children. The links between single parenting and independence in children often mean that the parent does not always have time to sort out their children’s social problems, which in turn allows the kids to deal with their own friendship challenges. Role models are essential in the case of single parents seeking to guide the development of independence in their children. Martin Seligman who wrote; The Optimistic Child, noticed that children emulate the explanatory style of the parent or guardian they spend the most time around.
Seemingly small disappointments that children go through like not getting that party invite or missing the sports team pick for the first time are opportunities to begin to teach coping mechanisms. These equip children with the ability to apply and hone their independent attitudes later in life to tougher lessons, reinforcing the links between single parenting and independence in children. The sooner they learn the tough ones, the earlier they become prepared. Single parents can always tap into resources such as camps and adventure activities which test coping and problem solving skills. This attitude contributes to seeing life as an adventure presenting challenges to develop resilience and independence, instead of cultivating negative outlooks.
Single parenting and independence in children: observing the link
In some circumstances insecure parents may be afraid that their child will reject them and as a result slack on disciplining them and foster a friendship instead. Some parents will want to pull out all the stops, but the more you do the less you expect from the child. With this pattern, as your child grows the following could unintentionally occur and he or she may;
- Begin to take advantage of you.
- Lose respect for you.
- Make more demands on you.
- Become more dependent on you.
- Become incapable of taking care of him/herself.
There are certain boundaries that are needed in juggling single parenting and independence in children that will foster a child’s resilience. For example, spotting the moment when you should be making the decision on the child’s behalf or when its ok for them to be doing it on their own. This is a task of constant vigilance, requiring of you to remember that with each year, the child will be more capable to handle new decisions. The question is how to monitor these.
The roles that unfold around single parenting and independence in children designate the importance of the parent raking the role as the guide/mentor. When skills are learned around certain aspects of behaviour, these must be implemented and mastered. Mistakes are an opportunity to work toward that mastery and know they are ready for the next level, once they have graduated from the lesson. In effect they are in training to become adults, the sooner you instil independence the sooner you will raise children with the following attributes;
- Higher achievers
- More motivated
- More self-confident
- More likely to have a stronger sense of self and higher self-esteem
Setting healthy boundaries
Experiencing single parenting and independence in children first-hand you will know that if you provide too much of a safety net they may construe this as mistrust of their ability to be independent, which undermines their self- esteem. In turn they will simply grow more dependent on you.
A great way to practice boundaries is by teaching. Whether its to study, teeth brushing or making friends. The key here is patience, your responsibility is to assist them with navigation otherwise they would be lost. If you aren’t sure of their levels of advancement ask questions to determine this and rather let them do things for themselves. Remember patience when it comes to matters of
single parenting and independence in children.
When it comes to single parenting and independence in children, by trusting your children’s ability to do certain age appropriate tasks, they naturally feel more capable. When they make mistakes remember its not intentional, they are learning and this is an opportunity to foster resilience by showing them how to dust off and try again.
Independence in toddlers
Toddlers are wonderful to watch in their striving for independence. To them it’s a whole new world, using their minds to make decisions for the first time which usually happens around one and a half years of age. It’s no wonder with this kind of limitless exploration that you will need extraordinary amounts of patience. This is where you can jump in with praise and early discipline with an average option of two choices pre suggestion, so as not to overwhelm them.
In experiencing the pros of single parenting and independence in children this newfound independence may be a mixed blessing between being relieved that they are not so helpless anymore, and a sense of loss at their growth. Here one can immediately see connections between enjoying being needed and fostering independence. This is also the age of the onset of tantrums particularly at two, from hunger, sleepiness or any number of experiences that cause discomfort.
This includes not getting their way, so staying calm and cool is the only way to manage and not exacerbate this state. When understanding the joys of single parenting and independence in children you will also empathise with newfound fears that will arise as a protective emotion. This is to be it needs to be met with comfort, if you don’t a complex will develop and any existent independence will be shattered. Such fears include monsters or animals in the closets and bathtub or whatever their active imaginations may come up with. Single parents will do well to lavish love, care and support as a basis for fostering independence and let the rest come with time – and patience.