Resiliency is described as an individual, family or community’s ability to adapt to adversity. In the case of single parenting, there are cases where resiliency in children surfaces naturally. This allows them to cope immediately as well as develop ways to respond to future adversity.
In this scenario showing single parenting and resiliency in children, a 12 year old boy who was abandoned by his father fails two grades. He lives with his mother and two younger siblings in a small apartment with no support from their father. As a result, his mother works night shifts at a restaurant waitressing on an income that barely lifts them from poverty. The boy takes care of his siblings in the morning and while she works. His teachers explain that being confronted about his incomplete schoolwork is met with resistance and anger. For a youth, the boy is in a very stressful situation and many children like him face similar circumstances.
Poverty, illness, divorce and abandonment place children at risk, these are just a few challenges facing the world of single parenting and resiliency in children. The reason they are able to pull through such circumstances is resiliency. Single parent’s whose children develop resiliency may fall prey to behavioural issues or suffer academically. Christine A. Christle, M.Ed., Debra A. Harley, Ph.D. , C. Michael Nelson, Ed.D. and Karen Jones of the University of Kentucky delved into Promoting Resilience in Children. Their paper: What Parents Can Do, Information for Families outlines the following suggestions for single parents on how to promote resiliency in their children.
Internal and external risk factors
When addressing matters of single parenting and resiliency in children, the first element is the risk factor, disabling cultural, economic or health conditions pressing on the natural flow of the child’s life which may minimise opportunities to develop meaningful social interactions. Internal issues of risk such as on a personal, psychological level or external relating to the community may arise. In a single parent child needing to develop resiliency, a range of problems from antisocial behaviour to concentration problems may manifest.
The scenario boy’s poor school behaviour is internal, while external issues relate to his environment which may include overcrowded schools, poor curriculum and lack of leadership. Community risk factors requiring children to develop resiliency include:
- high levels of neighborhood disorganization,
- high mobility rates,
- few adults to monitor children’s behavior, and
- high levels of drug and gang activity in the
- neighborhood.
Fortunately, the challenges related to single parenting and resiliency in children meant that growing up in a high risk single parenting family, present an opportunity for children to develop high levels of independence to assist them to reverse negative outcomes. Adopting internal protective factors include taking control over the situation, and taking responsibility for decisions.
These children adapt by understanding their limitations and acting accordingly in a realistic manner knowing how far to push themselves – and when. A resilient child develops effective strategies using a positive outlook and a way to assist these children to develop internal protective factors via external protective factors. Researchers have identified three essential external protective themes for single parenting and resiliency in children relating to such factors at home, school and community, where:
- caring relationships,
- positive and high expectations and
- opportunities for meaningful participation.
Community support for resilient children
By promoting these elements in the processes of single parenting and resiliency in children, one will begin to nurture healthy behavioural patterns. Instilling a sense of belonging and purpose can foster the hope of becoming successful, for example the scenario boy whose mother is a waitress can acknowledge his role in the household looking out for his siblings in her absence. If she can’t assist with his homework, she may find someone she knows he sees as a positive role model to assist instead. Joining clubs or organisations at school also promote the meaningful social participation required to develop resilience. In school, a single parent can also show the teachers his or her willingness to support academic development inside and outside of the classroom.
Positive community environments such Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America are support mechanisms for single parenting and resiliency in children to assist children to stay away from deviant behaviour and cultivate resilience. This includes a variety of community-based youth programmes outside of school hours such as volunteer programmes and academic focus groups.
Single parenting and resiliency in children: Adaptive resilience
After understanding risk and protective factors, as a single parent the next step you can take to promote resiliency in you children is to collect all the members within the child’s network who you know care about them and cultivate partnerships with them. Such as with teachers to enhance education participation by arranging a visit to the school and becoming more involved. This can alleviate the child’s need for defensiveness about any academic problems that may occur.
Remember, when tackling issues of single parenting and resiliency in children, as a single parent you need to look out for your own health and well being in order to promote resilience in the children, like fixing your own oxygen mask in an aeroplane emergency before assisting another. Three sources of resilience for children include affirmations of ‘I am’ outlining how good he is with his siblings and as a son; ‘I have’ promoting healthy understandings of his mother’s love and trust and teacher’s support ; and lastly, ‘I can’ – fostering an openness to reach out for help to those he trusts where and when needed.
Reinforcing positivism
The urge to protect our children is a universal instinct but this is always easier said than done.
Single parenting and resiliency in children have interconnected links allowing parents to prepare their children for adversity. Kimberly Arias, Director of Programs at Project GRAD in Long Island, New York explains; “Resilient people meet with success because they persevere, it is particularly important for children to develop this as early as possible because it sets their pattern for dealing with adversity for the rest of their life.”
Mark Fraser, PhD, MSW, author of Risk and Resilience in Childhood: an Ecological Perspective writes that resilience is a product of both internal and external forces. “Both personal characteristics–an optimistic perspective, good social problem-solving skills, tenacity – and environmental resources produce adaptive responses to adversity.”
The good news is that when it comes to single parenting and resiliency in children, you can strengthen your child’s independence on both fronts. Inborn temperament is one thing, but influencing his or her outlook is another. One cannot encourage optimism enough, the anxiety of the ‘what ifs’ can be paralysing and the ‘this too shall pass’ attitude must form a healthy psychological foundation.
Single parenting and resiliency in children means accepting reality more readily than families with a mother and a father. In these cases, having to learn early on that the glass is half full, rather than half empty will equip them with a good start. If your child has a task that is overwhelming don’t take control, rather lay out a realistic timeline showing him or her, the possibility of which steps to take to reach the goal. This will teach them to understand that within the right timing frameworks, anything is possible. In the end this will help with everything from health care to college applications. Another example is if your child is arguing with a friend, encourage action toward resolution instead of perpetuating anxiety.
By building your child’s confidence while tackling issues of ingle parenting and resiliency in children by empowering capacity instead of being over complimentary, the child will develop an instinctive trust which will assist when adapting to life’s various challenges.
Lead by example
Single parenting and resiliency in children go hand in hand. Some children are naturally resilient, tough and able to bounce back unfazed by rejection. For those who do not possess natural resilience, it can be developed and nurtured. Studies show that resilient kids share four basic skill sets:
- Independence
- problem-solving
- optimism and
- social connection.
The common thread is coaching from the perspective that they can solve their own problems and not the other way round. Your own attitude is an essential role model and indicator for their emulation. As a single parent your adaptive ‘can do’ attitude will rub off and provide plenty of ‘teachable moments’. All problems are in fact opportunities for learning – spot these and harness them to your requirements for development.
By making children participants in the family, which links single parenting and resiliency in children by nature, one develops self-help, problems solving and independence skills. Pass strategies along to them to assist with coping such as acceptance and taking a step back for a while. Promoting resilience is an ongoing process which is already inherent in single parent families. In fact, when it comes to resilience, one can even say that single parents have the head start on mother and father family units.